Wednesday, I posted information about Bud’s CT Scan in the Facebook page, Mercies in Disguise:
“Bud had a CT Scan yesterday, which will act as a baseline for the clinical trial. Dr. indicates that there has been no visible change in the tumor in his lung — stable for two months. This is a praise that it has not grown.
Randomization was completed. Bud is in the more aggressive protocol! Also a praise. Drug therapy starts on Friday.”
Praying for something fervently requires transparency. Asking for a myriad of friends to pray for something also requires transparency … and vulnerability.
When you put something out there that you want really badly, you are opening yourself up to evaluation and opinion. You’re also opening yourself up for the world to watch your response.
But more importantly, you are opening yourself up to God. He is a good Father and the Good Shepherd. We have our desires and He Invites us to ask; He wants us to pray believing that He is able. So we prayed continually to be in the more aggressive arm of the clinical trial knowing that He is able to put Bud’s name there. They called it “randomization.” But God doesn’t do random. His plan is specific and detailed. I am so thankful that I do not serve the god of random. That would be a belief system of utter chaos.
But what if Bud had not gotten the more aggressive group? That was a question we had to address as well. Even when you pray knowing that God is able, that does not mean that God will. And then you have to look at the emotions that could arise from that knowledge… perhaps disappointment? We certainly did not want to be disappointed by God and His choice. We know that God’s decisions for us are the best ones. And we absolutely did not want to be disappointed in God.
As we told God what we wanted, with our limited understanding, we also gave it over to His will. After all only He knows if it is a good thing for Bud to undergo the more rigorous plan. It seems like a good approach, but what if the two drugs working together do more harm than good? What if his body has a reaction to the infusion and creates immediate life threatening conditions? These were questions to which only God would know the answer.
But God’s plan was to give Bud the desire that he had voiced so frequently. I was there when the doctor called him. As Bud was listening, suddenly I realized that he was crying. He had just heard the doctor say that he was going into the second, two-drug group of the clinical trial. His body crumpled in gratitude and humility. It was a sacred moment between him and God that I was privileged to witness. As he came to the throne in surrender and thankfulness, there was no disappointment, only total delight in the gift of a loving Father.
On Friday, we went to Wilmot Cancer Center to receive the pill (afatinib) and instructions. The part that I did not understand is that Bud would also get his first infusion the same day! He spent about four hours hooked to the IV to get the infusion. We were on our way home by 5:30.
November 7 was the last radiation treatment. They said that in ten days to two weeks, he will hit a wall of fatigue. That happened today. He has spent nearly all of today just resting.